“It Doesn’t Matter”

This is a post I had written last August but forgot to publish…. Reading it was a good reminder of what amazing friends I have.

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I’m Mormon. Most people know this. Some of my friends are, some of them aren’t, and I love them all equally. Earlier this week I was hanging out with a group of friends where it came up that a mutual friend had just left for his mission. He is passed the age of 19, and I know a lot of young men feel pressured to go right after they turn 19. The friend who had gone to his farewell said it had taken some time, and though they knew the reason, they didn’t know if they should be the one to tell the rest of us. That’s when my other friend cut in and said, “It doesn’t matter.”

I’ve always had great respect for my friends, and that little exchange earned each friend more. The one for honoring the friend and not spreading what is probably very personal, and the other for getting right down to the fact that it doesn’t matter one bit what prevented the missionary from going earlier. In all honesty, it doesn’t matter. I don’t know why some people think it does, because it doesn’t.

There is a lot of pressure on young men to serve missions right when they turn 19, or as the case is now, when they are 18. Some are prepared and go, some are not prepared and go anyway. Some are not prepared and take the time to prepare before going, which is fine. Some are not prepared and choose not to go, which is also fine. I really think you should only serve a mission if it is what you want. Not what your ward wants, not even what your parents want, but what you want. In any case, for those that choose not to or take a little longer, we don’t know what their struggles are, what their lives are like. I’ve never been one to care, though sometimes that has been a struggle. Gossip and judgment are some of my biggest struggles. Not so much about people in the ward, but about ex-friends and whatnot.

Luckily, I am fortunate in my group of friends. They help me to be a better and stronger person, and a better and stronger Latter Day Saint. My language is not always clean and neither is my choice of movies (V for Vendetta is one of my all-time favorite movies ever), but the examples in friendship and love my friends and family set for me is more important to me.

Achieving Goals ~ No Day But Today

Last year sometime I bought a three day workshop by Sue Bryce on Creative Live. I’ve been watching them again as I’ve been rethinking and tweaking my photographic approach. Sue is incredibly honest and a fantastic person in general and her words resonate with me so much. 

While listening and working she said something so incredibly poignant for women everywhere. Love yourself and who you are today. Not when you’ll be 20 lbs thinner, not when you’re 20. Today. Love yourself today.

So simple. Yet so difficult.

I’ve struggled with that. I’ve lost 30 lbs since last August and want to lose another 30 (ideally, I want to see if I can lost 50-60, but that’s a goal for later). I always thought “I’ll be happy when I’m back to my high school weight. I’ll be happy when I know how to sew. I’ll be happy when I have tons of photo clients…”

No.

That’s not how it should be.

I love myself today. I love my life today. I love where I’m at! Do I have other things I want to do and be? Yeah! But I can’t do those and achieve those until I love and accept myself right now.

You are beautiful. NO matter what. You are beautiful. So am I. So is every person out there. We just need to realize it.

Accepting myself, or at least working to, has made my mood improve and my goals closer. I have the ingredients and drive to start drinking spinach shakes for lunch (don’t knock it yet, I’ve heard good things about it), I have a pattern for a cute simple skirt and the material for it, I have a couple shoots lined up and am working on more….

Love yourself and your goals will follow.

“Ridiculous!” by D.L. Carter – Another Book Review

As with the last book I reviewed, the “Talisman” series by Brenda Pandos, I have come across another such book that I really could not put down.

I present: “Ridiculous!” by D.L. Carter.

I am a HUGE fan of sarcastic, dry, deadpan humor. That is reason one why I loved this book so much. It is hilariously fun and I found myself laughing out loud several times. Poor Millicent Boarder, along with her two sisters and are mother, are dreadfully poor. So poor that a rich, reclusive, Scrooge-like cousin takes them in, only to be his unpaid servants. He (not so) tragically dies, and without a will. Again, the Boarder family are destitute. Millicent, in a stroke of genius (or at least a stroke of something), cuts off her hair and assumes his identity to provide for her family, and it is spread that Millicent died instead. The family move to Bath to start anew.

Of course, antics ensue. Hilarious, serious, awkward antics. I relished every minute of them.

Not only did I thoroughly enjoy Carter’s writing style, I felt her story to be neatly tied in every way.  So, along with humor, even in dangerous situations, Carter set up the story well.  Some might say there is a feeling of “Well that’s convenient”, but I’m pretty sure the same could be argued for pretty much any and all stories ever written.

I found Millicent’s character to be well-rounded and interesting. She obviously has a sharp tongue and she discovers both pros and cons to being a woman and a man. She is the heroine, but she still has her needs, though she tries to put them aside for her family and friends. The Duke of Trolenfield, Shoffer, is the quintessential man. Strong, handsome, he has an arrogant streak and quite the temper, but he does care for others. Of course Millicent falls for him, something she had not taken into account in her disguise as Mr. Anthony North. More antics ensue, not overly done of course.

There is some romance in the second half, so if that sort of thing offends you, you’d best not read.  It’s not overly explicit,  but it’s there.

All in all, if you enjoy a lighthearted read with a dash of  romance and can take people and things at face value, this is a good book. If you’re going to question every response and motive and dissect every little action and deed, you maybe should look elsewhere. This is a book for enjoying, not taking apart.

In All Directions at the Same Time

Life is still insane. I’m sure now that it always will be. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

I love photography as much as ever, and though I see growth in my work, I’m still feeling that there are so many creative shoots I want to plan, places I want my work and dreams to take me. Occasionally I remember my dreams, and they are so vivid I want to mimic the ideas and scenes I see in them. Same with songs, I will read a book, hear a song, watch a movie, and get struck with a shoot idea. I crave doing more of these. If only I had my own studio, it would be so much easier. Someday though, hopefully when we get a house.

My creativity is now pulling me in another direction, and the longer I put it off, the more it nags at me. Sewing and other craftwork. I’ve been making a few hair pieces here and there. But now I’m getting the pull to go a little deeper, be more elaborate. Also to start sewing. I have 5 skirts designed (rather poorly sketched in PhotoShop) waiting for me to buy fabric and cut out the patterns to. Four are inspired by the Avengers, I currently have a design for Captain America, The Hulk, Iron Man, and Thor. I’m still working on Hawkeye, Black Widow, and Nick Fury. The fifth skirt is inspired by Doctor Who’s TARDIS. I’m trying to keep them somewhat simple as I am no seamstress as of yet, but I do want to be.

Maybe the end goal is to be able to design my own fashions and accessories for shoots, haha. They all fit so well together!

The more time that passes by reminds me I haven’t done enough yet. Let’s hope I at least have a skirt made before the end of the year.

My Open Letter to Gary Herbert, Governor of Utah, Concerning HB363

This is a letter I submitted to Gov. Gary Herbert today concerning HB363 which would make schools teach abstinence only sexual education. I think schools have no right to do this. Dictating moral integrity as if it were the only way to live to students of all different beliefs systems, etc, is wrong and will only exacerbate such myths as “You can’t get diseases from oral sex”, “you can’t get pregnant on your period”, “you can’t get pregnant the first time you have sex”, etc.

I did edit this a little from the one sent.

Governor Herbert:

This is concerning HB363 mostly, but also in how you think of the people in this great state. I find the following quote from a local news station highly disconcerting: “Herbert has said that he will not be swayed by mass email campaigns and would make a decision based on what is the best policy for the state of Utah.”

Last I checked, it’s the voters who kept you in office. If you are not going to listen to the people who live here and vote here, why would we keep you in office as a voice for the people? I’m sure Gayle Ruzicka and her posse, as well as others, are giving you great pressure, but you don’t serve the far right, you serve the ENTIRE state of Utah, the LDS (of which I am a member) as well as the Non-LDS. The conservatives as well as the liberals, and a fair balance should always be sought.

The kids who want to have sex are going to have sex, they’re just going to be misinformed about it. Or do other things such as oral sex that are still highly dangerous from a health point of view. Spend a month being a fly on the wall in a high school and you’ll know exactly what I’m talking about. They don’t know any better, they only know they have a desire and want to fulfill it. And, as I stated before, most of the time the parents don’t know any better either. How could they? They don’t attend conferences, workshops, and spend time creating a curriculum about it.

This is a super flawed bill. Both from a health standpoint and a moral standpoint. The state should not dictate morals which happen to fall in line with the LDS faith, that is what church and parents are for. School is for educating our kids, not keeping them in the dark so that they’ll ask their friends and google what the schools should be teaching them.

Please listen to the actual people of Utah. We deserve your attention and support.

Crafty Times!

It’s been a while since I’ve made a hair accesory, and I’m long overdue. Something I’ve noticed about my crafting is that I like things simple, and I like them to be original. Even more, I like them to be cheap. Because I am a total cheapskate. Growing up my mom bought me clothes from the DI and took me shopping when the sales were best (how she managed bringing up 6 kids so thriftily is beyond me!). Being married and poor reinforced those cheapy habits (my wedding dress cost $200 and I still usually buy my clothes from Savers), and it’s just a part of me now.

Anywho, this hairpiece was made with wide netting, flowers from a few scraps of fabric my mom had, a fascinator I had previously taken apart, and some various jewels I’ve taken from broken jewelry. All in all, probably cost me about $4-5. So really all you need is some scraps, google (I wish I could remember the link I found to make the flowers, I’ll update it later but it’s super easy to make them), some broken/bought jewelry, and a hot glue gun.

I’ll be using it in my next shoot. Maybe after that I’ll wear it to church . Or wait for Halloween. Either way, I’m gonna find a way to wear it a lot.

 

 

It’s Just Like Reading Rainbow!

Butterfly in the sky
I can go twice as high
Take a look
It’s in a book
A Reading Rainbow

I can go anywhere
Friends to know
And ways to grow
A Reading Rainbow

I can be anything
Take a look
It’s in a book
A Reading Rainbow
A Reading Rainbow

 

Never were truer words spoken/sung.

Before college I was a book worm. I ready Jane Eyre at least 3 times, same with Pride and Prejudice; and I tried to snatch up all of the awesome classic fiction with the occasional dash of contemporary stories.

Then senior year of high school happened. I was working, singing, and actually had a social life. Weird. Then on to college, with working more and classes and dating. Then hanging out with Jordan all of the time being all lovey dovey and awesome. Then marriage, working more and more and I just haven’t read as much.

Enter the Kindle Fire. Jordan and I bought them together as our Christmas presents. Holy cow. I’ve been reading like a madwoman again, making up for lost novels, expanding out from my classic fiction bubble.

It’s been amazing so far. I’m a fairly empathic person, and I think that’s one reason why I love reading so much. I can get right in there and be with the characters.

The latest world I’ve jumped into?

The Talisman Series by Brenda Pandos.

I gobbled that series up. The first book took me about a week, getting introduced to characters and into the story. I finished “The Sapphire Talisman” in two days. Then I finished the final installment, “The Onyx Talisman” in one night I had become so hooked.

All I have to say is: wow. WOW. Mikael and I, along with Brandi, had a discussion about it. What we liked. What scared us. Where the twists and turns took us. What we thought of the ending (no worries, I won’t post any spoilers). For myself, I love how relateable Julia is. Brenda is actually somewhat vague on the specifics of Julia’s appearance, which makes her all the more relateable to readers. We can each imagine we are Julia this way.She doesn’t have golden glowing hair that radiates its own light with “natural” brown and red lowlights, she doesn’t have a tiny waist and huge breasts; she’s not perfect. She’s a pretty girl who has dishwater blonde hair, who’s average and yet beautiful just the way she is. Her personality is the same. She’s not perfect there either: she gets mad, she can rush to conclusions, she feels twinges of petty jealousy, and she makes mistakes throughout the books. However, she comes out stronger through them. 

And then the guys. The guys! I feel like I can’t post much here for fear of giving away too much if anyone who hasn’t read the series yet stumbles on this wee little blog of mine. The guys are wonderful. Gorgeous. Perfect in their imperfections. *Sigh* Nicholas!

Anywho, I feel like Brenda Pandos took the best of so many of her own literary experiences, movie experiences, music, etc, and then created something awesome. That’s what I think anyway.

Have you read any amazing books lately?

Switching One Thing for Another

I’ve made a very hard decision.

I am, as of today, ending my photo business.

I’ve been thinking about this over the past month, especially the last two weeks. I am working two jobs, one full-time, one part-time. Jordan just received a full-time offer of employment as well. I’ve been struggling to stay within my deadlines, but I find it harder and harder to do, especially with taxes. Basically, the business side of being a business. I honestly think that I don’t quite know enough about the business and accounting side yet. And after almost two years, I’m not getting any better.

And there’s more.

As stated in the past, I need to figure out where I want my style to be. And to do that, I need to stop working for others and start working for myself.

Then, maybe in a year, or two, or five. Once I’ve learned more about business, accounting, organization, my style, and learning how to say “no”, then I can start again.

As I am now? I am a photographer who loves what I do, but I’m a sucky businesswoman. And I’m alright with that.

So from here on out, I will finish my  remaining weddings for two couples I love, and then I may not do anymore for a while. I will keep on shooting like nobody’s business. But it will be for me and for me alone. Selfish? Maybe. Necessary? Most definitely.

Dear 13 Year Old Me

First off, thanks for the idea (again, and again) Mikael!

I’m 23 now. It’s weird to think about that. I’ve been married 2 1/2 years. 4 years ago I met my husband. Time flies!

Here’s a letter to my 13 year old self:

First off, I know you’re worried about Dad. He had a heart attack a week before Christmas, and you were worried that, even though his surgery was a success, he wouldn’t stick around to see you graduate. Well, I want to tell you, don’t worry too much about him. Not only will he see you graduate, he will start going to church again and see you married in the temple. So stop your worrying. You know dad, stubborn as can be, thank goodness!

Next, you’re a bit doughy and you know it. Don’t worry about that either, in two years you’ll thin down and be a sexy fox throughout high school. After that… welll… Yeah.

I know you don’t have many friends now and you’re actually pretty dang awkward and quiet. That’s okay, you’ll read a ton of good books and start being a social butterfly around 15. You’ll get quite a few awesome friends who love you and will stick around no matter what.

Ummm, it’s time to get rid of those bangs dear. You’ve had them since you were little. Let them grow out a bit! Get away from the 90′s claw bang!

Also, stop pretending to be so mature that you’re not boy crazy. You’re totally crushing on your good friend til he moves away, but you want to act adult and pretend you’re not. It’s okay, ya know. Liking people is good.

Remember to be kind. Sometimes when you say things to Mom or someone else in the family you get a bit selfish and, for lack of a better word, stupid. Right now you don’t really realize all that Mom and Dad do for you, or how much everyone really does care for you, so you let your hurt get the better of you. Don’t. Remember you have a pretty dang awesome family.

Lastly, try not to be so sensitive to what others say about you and to you. This is something you will ALWAYS struggle with, but make an effort. You’ll get better at this. You ARE different in a few ways, and you struggle with certain things. And there’s nothing wrong with that. Someday those eccentricities and things your are self-conscious about are what will attract your future husband to you. Embrace who you are and what you love, screw what others think.

Lastly, have fun.

To Find My Way Back

The past several years I’ve been focusing my energy on making my photos beautiful to everyone. Even personal shoots that were supposed to be for me ended up being people pleasers.

There was a time my artwork was controversial and straight from my thoughts and ideas. Not trying to be something everyone would like, but expressing my thoughts and visions in print.

On further reflection I think this is just projecting my own personality. I am the caregiver of my friends. I’ve always been the one to go to for advice, for venting, etc. And I’ve always been grateful that my friends knew they could turn to me when needed. As I met more people, the more I wanted to be accepted by everyone. That shows through in my photos, I think. I’m afraid to offend, anger others. I’ve done it a few times over the past few years inadvertently, and it sucks. So I’ve tried doubly hard not to offend others.

But that’s stupid. Even when I try to be positive I can anger someone into disliking me (and have).

So it’s time to step back and thing about what I want. Selfish as it may be. It’s time for me to stop, evaluate, and explore. To release my inhibitions. To make each and every exposure have a purpose. To have a feeling. Not just be pretty and well executed, but to have such a feeling of soul that anyone who sees it will understand what I felt creating it, even if they do not like it.

What a journey of self-discovery lies ahead!